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Faslane Resistance Is A Joke

November 7, 2013

Protests at Faslane in recent weeks have been enlivened by the arrival of members of the Clandestine Insurgent Rebel Clown Army (CIRCA). Carefully marshalled by a visiting officer from CIRCA’s European section, the colourful interlopers showed the local police and military the benefits of a tight drilling and inspection regime.

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‘We’re here to highlight that nuclear weapons are a serious business,’ said clown spokesperson Captain Obvious, ‘and to place our operatives at the full disposal of the Royal Navy for any decommissioning work they may have available.’

In fatigues, wigs, and greasepaint, and bearing comedic placards, banners, and sweeties for passers-by, the paramilitary performs successfully completed two tours of duty in front of Faslane’s North Gate.

Operation Particle Fizzics was an attempt to safely decommission a suspicious device discovered on the A814 roundabout. Needless to say, this did not go according to plan, and over one clown was exposed to emissions of an unknown nature. Fortunately, subsequent investigation established that the leak had a radioactivity level not significantly higher than ordinary cola.

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One week later, the clowns returned in greater force for Operation Dawning Self-Awareness. This saw the red-nosed radicals acting on behalf of the United Nations Weapons Inspectorate to investigate operations at Faslane. Specially-commissioned monitoring systems were manually deployed by CIRCA in the attempt to identify potential ‘smugglers of dangerous atoms’. Having located a number of atoms, the clowns helpfully offered to turn these over to police for further investigation. When this was refused, they took matters into their own hands – by swallowing the atoms in the interest of public safety.

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CIRCA disorganisers confirm that they are pleased with their visits to Faslane and looking to build on this success with more events in Scotland. Watch out for them at an urban centre near you.

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